OFFSHORE FISHING!

• a last minute friday night trip to savannah to go offshore with dave and kim.
• the ride in the car with david that allowed us 3 hours (including a meltdown in wendy's, a lovely dinner instead at waffle house! and 20 minutes in line at subway for lunch on the boat the next day!) uninterupted to get to know each other again away from his working nights and the room project.
• watching the sun come up over the ocean while the waves were over 5 ft. it was a bright deep orange/red fire ball that popped up into a cloudy gray sky. absolutely amazing and had the waves been 2-3 ft, i would have missed it because i would have been down below snoring. now, back to the wave part - i had heard of being beaten up offshore - now i have my own story! it was quite an interesting 3.5 hour ride at 20mph in a boat running over 5+ ft waves that early in the morning on dramamine. needless to say we are all very very sore. i worked my muscles all day long and when we got off the boat last night at 6, i promptly fell on my face and let me just say it was not all because of the vanilla vodka soaked fruit we ate on the way back in!
• the baby porpoise we saw jumping waves to get back to his mama. she was beautiful and spotted and rode the waves off the front of the boat for as long as we watched and told her she was beautiful. when we got caught up catching fish, she went away. as with human women, she just needed a little attention. quite magical really.
• a good dinner at the marina with conversations we can only have with dave and kim. they are not right and neither is david so i guess that means i'm not either. i got to drive the golf cart back to their house with the boys as kim went to pick up the kids. too fun.
• our bed in the 'smoak boudior' (sp) that we fell into early and not waking up until 6am to potty. that is probably a first for me ever. david and i said we don't really remember anything, but i do kind of remember trying not to fall out of bed as i was still rocking like i was on the boat.
• an 8am wake up call of catherine and jada waking up and being able to spend a little time with them this morning before we headed back to charleston to be with big d at church this morning.
• a morning phone call with daddy. he was at the boat with chris and the boys. his expertise at what he loves and how he is so passionate and able to translate his knowledge of furniture into how to help me with the ceiling. his love of his boys, red and jack. he just laughs when he tells stories of what they've done - like how red fell out of the boat and how he giggled while he left me the message.
• a great sermon by mike, minister extraordinnare (again, sp) about dropping the sterotypical 'guy' role and being an example to friends and family about showing emotions.
• mike asking david and me to talk with him about. . .. . . . . the flag issue! holy shit, here we go. . . . the united methodist conference was last week in florence, sc and during the 4 day conference, several issues were discussed - everything from insurance for ministers to their new appointments and parsonages, to budgets. missions was the major part of the agenda as they voted on where to send the money they collected last week. the south carolina convention voted to send $60,000 (the amount they collected at the conference) to the net project which provides mosquito nets (at $10 a net) to families in countries where maleria is still a real issue. they decided to continue the work with water missions as there are still people in the world who have never had clean water to drink. they decided to keep working with fighting hiv and aids in africa and provide the drugs needed to keep people alive. they spent the majority of their time doing this. what the media covered and what crept up someone at our church's ass so much that he's decided he's not coming back is the freakin' flag issue. the church decided to bring to a vote whether to send a letter to south carolina state leaders demanding that they move the rebel flag from a place of prominance at the capitol to a museum. the votes were cast and the majority said they wanted the letter to be written. the interesting thing is that the state government won't allow this issue to be discussed again until 2012 or sometime crazy like that. it was a huge waste of time and waste of media coverage when so much good was done at the conference. mike wanted to know what we thought as david and i have differing views on the flag and what it means and where it should go. what we all came to in that discussion is 1. the whole thing is a waste of time and if this dude from the church is mad at mike he should step up and talk about it so that they can come to some sort of common ground as the 3 of us did today with it and 2. whether people know the 'true history' of the flag or not, it brings with it emotions of fear and injustice and pain that is our southern history and why hurt people? this issue is a point of division in my fine state that i am mostly embarrassed about and it's unfortunately not going anywhere. i will continue to hold my vision that we recognize that this is our history and as it is not our state or national flag, it should be held in a place of honor in a museum. and i really mean honor because the time that is represents should be held gently with respect.

ok, back to previously planned glogging. . . . .

• david smoak having emotions everyday and being willing to share them with whoever. whenever. about whatever. and not backing down on something he feels.
• big d and his willingness to show his emotions (and tell some pretty racy jokes at lunch!) and actually teared up when we gave him tervis tumbler cups with wofford college on them. he actually teared up and said, 'i love this school, man!' holy cow, i wonder what would happen if i gave him a sweatshirt?!
• mom and poppie arriving safely from boston and him taking care of her while she had food poisoning on the trip. he liked his father's day gift as well.
• a quick visit today with the dority's and how he tried to get sue and me drunk on cream rum so that he and david could get special father's day gifts later this evening. ms dority was pretty slurry so he might! we won't discuss david. . . you know you're old when your best friend's parents and your own say something or anything about sex in front of you. david told both his parents and the doritys that he might vomit and please not to say anything like that again. hil-freakin'-alarious!
• more veggies out of the garden when we finally made it home tonight. tons of tomatoes and cucumbers!
• freshly caught dolphin (mahi) and fresh veggies out of the garden. yum.
• my precious husband, the father of my sweet carson, the dog father of abbie, sandy and miss peabody, and the snake dad to 'snake and 'lil 'nake. his excitement of life and adventures. his unconditional love of me. his willingness to not fit the typical southern man role. his love of his friends and theirs of him. how lucky am i.
• you, my little baby porpoise you!

baby sarah arrived yesterday!

• yay! she weighed in at a little over 9 lbs and i'm so excited. someday we will meet and i can kiss her little cheeks.
• my dad asking again where my glog is. . . here you go, daddy.
• the room! and that all that's left is (mostly) my part! tonight i will seal the ceiling and tomorrow i paint.
• keena affirming the colors i picked out as perfect. that girl's got style!
• 2 girls' nights out this week.
• finding a new place with annie on wednesday and hearing all about her trip to spain. the beautiful tapas restaurant with cava and 4 buck martinis that paled in comparison to her joy about her trip and a vacation in general. my girl has worked 7 days a week for a year and a half. she actually got to read 3 books!
• the reopening of 'the daily dose' on james island. the same, if not better, hippie vibe it was downtown all those years ago, but now the owner's child is 11 and is helping out. awesome organic sangria and the supa dose - organic veggie sandwich - yum.
• my girls - chandler and melinda. i love to introduce them to people that i've known them for so so so so long.
• stories about elizabeth, john wesley and brantley - how i wish i could attend 'camp kornahrens' - way too much fun all summer. that elizabeth at 2 came in the house talking about 'boys and lipstick, daddy!' i would pay money to see joe dabit's face.
• running into the 'cutest boy ever' - scott dawson - last night at athens when we were having coffee and getting good hugs. hearing he's healing from his recent break-up and that he caught his 15 year old son smoking! ha. he gets to hang out with dad for the next month on friday and saturday nights. punishment. that's harsh. although, the girls and i agreed, that would only be harsh for him - we wouldn't hate it!
• it's a little past 7am and i'm up and feeling good. after a week of david working nights, i finally slept hard from 11:30 to 6 - didn't even have to get up to potty. this is exhaustion.
• david almost being finished working nights. monday and tuesday next week will be it (god willing and the creek don't rise. . .).
• a big fat flat screen tv for above the fireplace that sears had on sale! (really not that big and fat - only 32 inches. that's not obnoxious)
• the possibility of visiting michelle over the lavender festival weekend. i'm holding the vision.
• FRIDAY

now for the joys of my fellow gloggers

• michelle bryant and the girls celebrating michael's birthday by choosing the joy of his life. she is an inspiration on choice these days!
• kevin getting to see jake this week and what memories they had to just roll their eyes over.
• kevin readying himself to be a dad. happy sigh. . .
• craig - again, just being craig. i was bragging about him last night. the girls just can't get over the fact that he is ok with michelle being gone for so long. it's refreshing when our boys are calling wondering where we are and we haven't been gone for 2 hours yet.
• dean and his relationship with his family and with the planet.
• eric and baby SARAH!
• and michelle. the whale blows. the boat. the tent. her life. my conversations with her this week. she sounds so good.

stay tuned for more gratefulness this weekend as the room closes in on completion and father's day rolls around. that will be a grateful day.

• you, my little supa dose, you.

rain rain rain rain rain rain rain

• a quiet weekend of rain and self-reflection.
• david arriving home safely after a boys' weekend in savannah.
• fresh veggies from our garden in the form of squash and zucchini casserole and fried squash and zucchini. life is very very good today.
• knowing that when i locked myself out of my house yesterday that i had several places i could go. i chose well. a visit with benjamin and whitman and their parents that was quite pleasant.
• big d and shelbs saving the day with a key.
• fabulous rain. swelling wind and rain rain rain rain.
• abbie sleeping with me while david was gone. she's a great snuggler at 10.5lbs!
• watching miss peabody dance in the rain. she pounces like she's a cat and not a 70lb monster. and she's nothing but mud. very grateful that she likes to be the outside dog!
• dinner friday night with chandler. we haven't done that in years. pedicures and mondo's delight all by ourselves. lovely.
• her waking up on saturday morning out of her 'negasaurus' mode and calling to let me know about it!
• the movie 'over the hedge' - i could watch it over and over. it is hilarious. and sadly. . . true.
• my goofy dad and his phone skills. ya gotta give him props for some effort. poor chris.
• you, my fried zucchini, you.

friends

• a very productive and exciting week!
• visiting with old friends at the beach for 2 days last week and playing with their little ones.
• the condo they left to us friday night which allowed for a nice walk to dinner and a great beach walk back to the condo. spending time away from the house with david so no projects other than just hanging out with each other. we watched 'borat' - holy crap - we just kept saying, ' i didn't know you could do that!' south carolina was portrayed so lovely. we're not all redneck bigots, i swear. and i'm grateful for that!
• a saturday workday on the room and getting lots and lots done.
• sunday at the pool and dinner at basil with key lime martinis. yum.
• an all day spent on a deserted beach on a quiet island with nothing but us, friends and a lot of sun and a little quart of lemoncello all to myself. the best way to spend memorial day ever. this is my life!
• an spontaneous dinner that night with big d and shelbs. laughing at dinner until i snorted!
• focus on the room and getting the ceiling up in the last 2 days. not much left to go until i'm enjoying a glass of wine in front of my new fireplace!
• david feeling better each day and actually well enough to go for the boys' weekend to savannah with dave, jay, derron and chris. don't even want any details about that! just want him to come home safe.
• mom's xrays coming back clear and that she's ok.
• michelle's adventure beginning tomorrow. how incredibly she is embracing this and teaching us all to go for it - whatever our 'it' is. . .
• craig for being the man he is to support her and let her go without drama. with him just being him. and offering a safe place before she leaves and when she returns to be herself in whatever form that takes as she evolves through her life. they are my model couple. what love and courage they have. and i love to say that 'i was right! he does love you michelle!' so many years ago.
• kevin and his news that i may or may not know about yet! holy cow. how much i want to say about that but the words aren't formed yet so i'll wait. best not to force them until they're ready. i'm overwhelmed with . . . . . . . . . 'bigness' for him.
• michelle bryant and her new outlook - finally seeing in herself what is so beautifully apparant to those who love her. david and i so appreciate her and the time she's been in our lives.
• dean's amazing adventure and his 'coming into his own' - i was always a little . . . ok a lot intimidated by him, but reading his glog, i just know he's just 'there' - what a gift.
• eric and nicole payne and david and i are connected in a way a parent should never be and reading his glog fills me with more hope than i've had in a long time. nicole's comment to him one day this week made me well up with tears. they are so tender with each other and that's so where we need to be through this healing process. . . . . . is it a process when you're never actually 'healed'? can there be a process if there's no end? and by the way - there's never a 'through' either. there's just always healing. so i guess there is a process. this is my brain in full tilt - which brings me to
• LEXAPRO - keeps me calm and in feeling. and in movement and in my process. just without the edge that was there for so so long.
• chandler for finally saying to me - 'being in this much pain is not honoring carson. you can be happy and still be a good mom to him.' thank you. i didn't believe you but i didn't have the strength to fight you on it so i went with it. i'm glad you knew better than me. and i'm glad you cared enough to say what i know was scary for you to say.
• cindy for always always always honoring me as a mom. for always always saying the right thing or sending the right card or gift or thought. always. i am so honored to have you in my life. now, if only we could talk matt into moving back south. . . . . .
• that my dad takes care of himself when he needs to by not pushing himself when his heart 'goes out'. i updated my glog, dad! thanks for asking. it's nice that you get to see a little about me that i don't have to say. i love you.
• my dad for teaching me basics of woodworking so that i can really do a lot in this new room - from caulking to nailing to sanding to staining and painting (with a mask on) - i'm proud of the whole team effort we've had on this project and that we've done it with minimal negative emotions! david only wanted to throw the nail gun once last night and i only 'f-ing gd'd' once tonight. that's teamwork!
• my yummy organic spagetti tonight fixed by david while i finished caulking and a dinner on the couch because we can't see the table. nice.
• an upcoming weekend full of piccolo spoleto events and christine kane at angel oak. i'm so stoked (do people say that anymore?). art, music, poetry readings, food, tourists. it's a charleston heaven weekend!
• my plan to finish 'shut up and sing' this weekend. it was a little overwhelming to watch in one sitting. grateful for FREE SPEECH, CHOICES IN THE NEXT ELECTION, CHANGES ON THE PLANET and the SAFE RETURN OF THE TROOPS SOON.
• you, my little piccolo, you!

breath

• breath.
• david being able to breathe and being back to his usual obnoxious (if not sweet) self. glad that he's grumpy and not dead. glad that he'll be finished being grumpy when he goes back to work tomorrow. that he's grumpy just because he's bored.
• ricky working on the porch all day and that except for the door, it's all closed in and i can start sheetrocking it! yay!
• that my fever broke last night and today i have energy and feel a million percent better than yesterday.
• the farmer's market that inspired good food last night and tonight in my kitchen cooked by me this time! fresh greenbeans, new potatoes, sweet corn, cabbage. yum.
• the idea of squash blossoms at the farmer's market - 9 blossoms for $9! i have nothing but blossoms in my garden. what to do with them? the research is fun but the best sounds to be stuff 'em with crab and fry 'em up! ok!
• our garden giving us lots and lots of squash and zucchini and soon cucumbers and tomatoes.
• david being well so that we can fry some green tomatoes on tuesday.
• adrienne and daniel and the babies being in town for the week so we can visit and catch up. they live too far away.
• an optimistic week at work with new plans and the firm thought that we can slow down a little - stress need not rule us anymore. we can breathe. or even stop and eat lunch. away from my desk. not talking on the phone. at a restaurant or at my house. away from my desk. did i repeat myself? i'll do it again. away from my desk! yay!
• michelle's adventure starting next week. holy cow.
• craig. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . enough said.
• chandler's cousin, leigh, graduating valedictorian from high school and being an example of what a good kid is - not for her grades - for being leigh.
• her older brother, adam, wanting to protect her from everything.
• chandler's safe return with elizabeth and mama b from their quick trip to knoxville for the graduation.
• ricky's safety after being plowed into at 55 mph while he was stopped yesterday. his sense of humor in tact and his talent secure - he showed up for work this morning.
• pop's training in south dakota for his new job this week. the wish that he loves it more than he ever thought he could.
• mr dority always always always saving the day and saving us money. i can't even think of how much he's saved us. . . . . . or how many times.
• dave and derron catching mahi today with calm seas.
• david not letting himself go offshore although that's what he wanted more than anything.
• melinda.
• a nice day with my mom. lunch and shopping. tasting the gelato at costco that was just like italy. . . and leaving it in the freezer case!
• a size smaller top and 2 sizes smaller dress. . . haven't figured that out as my weight is the same as it's been for a year - but hey - i'll go with it!
• david.
• you, little squash blossom, you.

modern medicine

• dr popp and her prompt attention to the fact that david couldn't breathe. he's currently on 8 different medications and can't stand up for long, but he can breathe.
• the nebulizer company that showed up yesterday, set the machine up and taught him how to use it.
• health insurance that makes the 8 medications at least affordable.
• costco for discounting the co-pays even more.
• air conditioning that could be turned on in the house today to protect him from the smoke outside from the georgia and florida wildfires. the air is so thick it just sits. everyone is coughing. . .
• his optimism that he'll be able to go fishing on saturday. let me just say that's a big negatory however, i'll let the man dream!
• more progress on our room. it may not be memorial day that we're moving in, but it's coming right along!
• dad's acknowledgement for my glog. that's nice.
• spaghetti cooking while i type this. it smells good.
• david thanking me me bathing him last night when he just couldn't even stand up.
• mike, our ceo acknowledging our office on the company conference call for 'the power of team' and we each get $150.00! yay!
• you, my little spaghetti noodle, you!

mom's day

what emotions there are swirling in me today. mother's day. the last two mother's days have been hard and this one was no exception. and i think i'm really getting that's how it is to be and that's ok. my son died yet i'm still very much an active mother to him. it's a strange place to be. so on this mother's day i'm so very grateful for the time i had with him and the relationship that continues to develop as he is very unconditionally loving and forgiving of me in my stumbling as i learn to be his mother.

and so on this most bittersweet of days, i am very grateful. . .

• for my mom. perhaps my most complex relationship. we are finally at a place that feels good and solid. she is so happy and that makes me so happy.
• for my mother in law, shelby. she is a true southern belle in all that entails. i think she truely doesn't know what to think of me most of the time. but i know she loves me and she knows i love her. she raised such a good good man.
• for my new mom, chris. she's go good for my dad and looks after him. i feel better knowing he has her. and i truely like her as a person. she's funny and smart and compassionate and a little goofy. my kinda people!
• for mama b, chandler's mom. her home was a safe haven for me and i could tell her anything. she listened, gave her advice and loved me whatever i did. she still will drop anything she's doing to chat or come running when i need her.
• for ms dority, david's best friend's mom and our neighbor. i can't say enough how selfless this woman is. she takes care of the zoo while we're away and always has stories about what abbie or sandy have done when we get home.
• for my grandma edith.
• for my grandma re. . . . i still cannot fathom that she's gone from the planet. she was the coolest. she allowed me to grow-up in our relationship and we actually moved from her protecting me from things i didn't need to know to actually talking with me about those things as i got older. we could talk for hours about life and relationships and love and heartbreak. she really lived her grief of losing my dad's father everyday while creating a life with another man (my pawpaw who i named carson after) that she loved as well. she was a true testament to love.
• for moms.
• for my dad reading my glogs. he gets to see a little glimpse of me that the phone can't convey.
• for the people that came last night to mom and tom's reception. how his sisters think he hung the moon and how he sang to mom and his daughter, melissa and it was so real.
• for my new sister, melissa and her husband jimmy going out with us last night. getting to know them a little bit. i really like them.
• for david getting swarmed by college students at the bar to buy him drinks - it was the suit! he was asked if he was a professor. HA!!!!!!!! professor white chocolate! i love it. and so did he.
• for waffle house grease to help with last night's festivities and a nap during a thunderstorm this afternoon!
• for a good dinner in the country and a walk down the dock. the wind was almost cold coming off the water. absolutely beautiful.
• for dean's big adventure.
• for the womyn's camp this weekend. i know they had a blast. i can't even imagine. . . . .
• for my friends and family and the support and love i have in my life.
• for dave just stopping by after surprising ms dority for mother's day and saying hi.
• for david and ricky almost finishing the outside of our room yesterday so that we can start hanging sheetrock next weekend!!! i love sheetrock mud. i feel so accomplished.
• for the celtic band playing on as i cleaned up last night and for being smart enough to take my flipflops in case my feel hurt. . . . 'in case my feet hurt . . . you were in 4 inch heels dumbass of course your feet hurt!'
• you, my little betsey johnson super cute heel off ebay for a steal, you!