june 2, 2008 birthday

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the best week of the year!

• finding out on tuesday that we're KNOCKED UP!!!! today we're at 5.3 weeks. holy cow.

we've gotten so many cheers and tears and jumps for joy from our families and friends. the support is overwhelming and much much appreciated. david's hoping for twins. . . . . . sigh. . . . one of us will retire early!

• words of encouragement
• confirmations of bits of fear
• bets on boy or girl or both or two of the same
• maternity clothes from mom and pink and blue outfits
• the friends we've yet to call - the anticipation of their reactions
• abbie, sandie and miss peabody being gentle with me already
• david being bossy about what i am and am not allowed to do
• mom being ok with not being attached 'grandmaaamaaa' and being open to something fun like grandma beeds.
• dad getting so excited and telling everyone he knows about being a grandpa
• benjamin calling me 4 times until he got me on the phone to say he is excited about the baby. he hopes it's a girl.
• big d and shelbs not even being able to talk to david on the phone for crying.
• our minister mike (who did a great sermon last sunday about gratitude - inspired by this glog i take it) who said he wouldn't announce to the congregation that i was 'knocked up' - he might instead use the king james version of 'they lay together and she bore a child' and then went on to tell me that he likes to call king james 'king jimmy' because he was gay and died of syphylis (sp) and likes to break that out when the fundamentalists get on their high horse. . . but i digress. . . . .
• flowers from melinda, chandler and nicole
• nicole and karen being in the room with me when i was on the phone with hargrove's office. their faces of joy.
• keena not squeezing me to death - not expected. but all of sr. tequila's knew i was preggo.
• hugs - good ones. long and real
• david

and then a celebration trip to orlando to visit with friends on wednesday and craig's ironman on saturday.

• being able to spend time with craig and michelle before everyone else got there.
• sushi for dinner while craig and i watched michelle and david drink all the shiraz that was meant for me!
• laughter
• hearing about michelle's trip this summer to study whales
• learning about how craig trained and what he ate, how many times a week he exercised, etc.
• michelle's pride and his utter humility. it was just something he decided to do!
• stories from our former lives (lord i was such a nerd) and a few from this one. . . one involves keena and an electric razor. . . . . . . so i guess i've had my teenage years since i turned 25!
• craig's mom carol living so close she could come over to be there for him.
• mom and poppie driving down to party with us and be of support for both of them.
• meeting eric and nicole. they lost katie after we lost carson and tho we'd never known each other, craig and michelle brought us together as friends.
• seeing pictures of katie's baby sister, sarah who is 4 months old and absolutely gorgeous!
• perfect weather on saturday for the race which started at 7:30am.
• being able to brag to everyone that we were in florida for an ironman! our ironman!
• the condo being comfortable and easy to be in.
• the fun we had at the race waiting for craig to come by us at mile 60 and 80 of the bike, the end of the bike, the beginning of the run, mile 12 and 19 of the run and the end!!!!
• the other runners' faces as they ran by and found us cheering and encouraging them.
• people of all ages, shapes, sizes giving all they had.
• a yummy subway lunch and papa john's dinner - and brownies!!!!!
• watching everyone drink beer and knowing i can't for a very good cause.
• great conversation.
• the finish line in 15 hours and 23 minutes.
• the tears all of us shed knowing that craig did something so amazing we still can't wrap our brains around it.
• determination
• mind fitness
• vegetarian athletes
• the hot ironman from atlanta who broke his collarbone and kept going.
• the hot ironman from indiana who blew me away on saturday in a much different way than he did 13 years ago with his hair to his butt behind a drumset watching so quietly and taking it all in.
• all things craig!

fall is in the air

• the start of fall and a saturday at the farmers' market with a crispness in the air.
• seeing chandler and elizabeth and having crepes together
• the ease and effortlessness of asking for donations for the church auction and receiving what i've asked for
• plans tonight for the poetry jam at the moja arts festival
• a quick champagne toast to being the evening here at my house for maggie's 21st birthday! maggie's mom, karen is one of my mentors and heroes and maggie is an amazing woman. she also keeps my avon habit up.
• words, written and spoken
• a clean house - maidpure rocked it out and i am enjoying living in my home again
• the new room being a haven and the space it's created in the rest of the house
• michelle in all her michelle-ness
• big d and shelbs arriving safely home yesterday after 8000 miles around the country
• a big fall packed full of travel, friends and family
• orlando in a couple of weeks for craig's triathalon - team thompson!
• dad and chris visiting in november
• david being able to enjoy this fall day in the woods
• new focus on being grateful and not stressed!
• mr charlie, my next door neighbor laughing at abbie barking at him in HIS yard through the fence and saying, 'that's some dog' - she is - she's my 10.5lb guard dog who will bark behind her back running away from an aggressor.
• miss peabody and sandy minding their manners as my backyard neighbors are having their annual jewish fall festival in their backyard with lots of people.
• you, my little fall crisp, you.

open-ness

• the new room! which has created so much open-ness in the house and ultimately in our lives. david took the sliding glass doors off today and wow! my house is huge and open and we're getting through the clutter.
• finding maidpure.com to come clean next week (which gives me little time to declutter) using only organic cleaners and i am so freakin' excited. this will leave us open to actually invite people over!
• plans for the church spaghetti supper/auction starting to come together and our first meeting tomorrow night.
• a good long chat with mike, our minister today and laughing at him out loud until i snorted. he's simply not a sane man.
• lunch with greg turpin. my sweet dear friend who i let time put between us. until today! good plans with him. getting caught up on his life. potential plans for the 4 of us to do dinner here.
• memories of him in a much simpler and more naive time in my life. his support through the years and the ability to talk with someone who 'gets' me.
• another trip to lowes with david tonight!!!!!! :) can this company get any more of my hard earned money?!?!?! probably on saturday!
• a lovely dinner with good conversation and laughter - david loves to make fun of me and tonight it was fun. the moon must be aligned correctly with my axis!
• craig's grandmother, gigi, who was the spunkiest little lady i've probably ever met. i'm so grateful that he was able to have her this long and that she didn't suffer in the end.
• michelle's fierce protection of craig
• safe travels yesterday for my work trip.
• a big october full of hilton head, orlando, dinner parties and fun.
• collards, lettuce and purple cabbage planted in the garden by my sexy farmer husband.
• tgif! friday and all that brings! it's actually massage friday tomorrow at work.
• david just said, 'people are going to think i don't have a job.' he does and he works a lot. he just goes balls to the wall on his home projects.
• tivo and general hospital.
• miss peabody, abbie and sandy.
• you, my little collard green, you!

a gentle nudge

michelle emailed me that it was time to glog. i've been putting it off until i have some 'time.'
but isn't that when the gratefulness fairies really start working? - when you don't have the time or worse - don't feel all that grateful. . . so here goes. . ..

• the finished room!! the most amazing fireplace i've ever seen and my husband created it. it looks like we're sitting at the grove park inn on our honeymoon in front of their huge fireplaces - to scale mind you. our whole room could fit inside their fireplace.
• the teamwork that we used and continue to create in our marriage and in our projects.
• respectful disagreement. there will be no deer heads in this room.
• or ducks
• or the bobcat attacking the bird
• movement of the furniture throughout the rest of the house with ease. i'm sore today but it's a good sore!
• big d and shelbs on their month long 'across the country adventure' with our friends bruce and peggy.
• a lovely weekend away over labor day to harmon lodge and hendersonville. a short trip but one to see the nature center none-the-less.
• tons of upward mobility at work and all that will come together in the next few weeks.
• tailgating at the citadel game on saturday with uncle john, aunt tina and their crew.
• ricky archambault's attitude about cancer and cancer treatment.
• the week of carson's birthday, the anniversary of grandma's death and both of their funerals being over.
• the weather changing oh so slightly - less humidity.
• sun on my feet from saturday.
• general hospital and tivo for hooking that up for me!
• victor working to get the food for the spaghetti supper / auction donated for me this year.
• in advance - businesses being generous in their auction donations!
• an evening alone while david is in the woods.
• good news from michelle
• the orlando trip in advance for the 489 flute fun we will have!
• dad and chris' vacation being fun and relaxing for them.
• finding vance's myspace page as a link from michelle bryant's. crazy kids - i don't really understand the whole phenomenon but it was fun none-the-less to see his good lookin' mug.
• plans for kevin and cynthia.
• a good salad for dinner.
• david's cheeze-it encrusted crab cakes on saturday night - holy crap they were good! maybe even better as leftovers sunday morning with cheese grits.
• the sweet lady at moe's who makes the best tea in town and takes pride in cleaning the salsa bar and the tables and is always so freaking pleasant. may i be more like her.
• you, my little kick in the pants, you!

carson glenn smoak

the sweetest baby boy who in death has taught me so much about life. . . my life.

today i am grateful for that which i cannot explain. and that's reassuring. i can only come close on this humanly plain to feel it, there's no way to put words to it.

carson united david and me by creating such a deep wound that we chose to go toward each other for salve. and in all the pain and heartache that is, we keep choosing each other. for that i am profoundly grateful.

he taught us so much about friendships and bonds, love and forgiveness, patience and wealth.
so on his 3rd birthday i am grateful for:

• waking up with david this morning and lying in silence before the day started.
• a chat with melinda as she and wesley headed to orlando with the boys. brave or something else? we shall see!!!
• so many lovely people coming up to me before church saying, ' we thought you were already a member!'
• having chandler, mom and poppie, karen, keller and nicole and donna come to be with us today.
• sunflowers in the church in honor of carson on his birthday. david's aunt jb does the flowers and she put wiggly eyes on 3 of the flowers. too cute and very jb!
• mike having david go upfront with me so i wouldn't be by myself and having him reaffirm his faith as well.
• mike's quiet interjections about the liberalness of the methodist church during the affirmation and the sermon.
• big d's amazing voice today as he sang the special music.
• van herrington knowing that the two trees in his yard his daddy planted are for him and for carson. he was born 2 weeks before carson and i know they would have been best friends. buster and lori for their warmth and love. he came to the hospital that night and i'll never forget the pain on his face. after that he planted 2 trees in his yard. one for van, one for carson.
• getting to the cemetary and finding evidence that others had been there before us. there was a little lamb, a teddy bear and a something else that was pink with a heart nose and made kissing noises when squeezed. we're guessing grandma beeds.
• fixing 'walter's' moustasche. he's attached to the tree and watches over the site. 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth. we gave him a moustache of spanish moss.
• david holding me in that cemetary.
• the flowers that are still fresh at bobby thompson's grave from thursday. grateful that carmen knows how much her husband was loved and respected even if he just couldn't do it anymore.
• a quiet afternoon of reflection and journaling while david went in the woods to be by himself.
• meeting back up tonight to celebrate chandler's birthday with her family at nakato's.
• another day all about me tomorrow. massage and pedicure on saturday, carson's bday today, facial and quiet tomorrow.
• beautiful flowers from craig and michelle that smell up the living room.
• meals and meals of king mackeral that david caught this weekend in the tournament with dave and limehouse. we put up 15 meals tonight in the freezer. yum.
• david having a good time friday and saturday on the boat playing with the fish. it's his 3rd year celebrating carson's birthday this way.
• dad's phone call letting me know he loves us and is thinking about us today.
• dad and chris' plan for a november visit.
• my life and what i've created here in this beautiful place with such amazing people i call family and friends.

all of it. . .

the last few weeks have been a whirlwind full of travel and friends and fun and sadness and joy all rolled together. i'll start with park city and 'the test' -

today i am grateful for

• a spontaneous dinner the first night in park city where the trainers started quizzing us about what and HOW we knew the information. it sparked a 2 hour study session with people i just met and had they been around, i may have finished college. it was so good! all night long i woke up and would spout off things in my head and fall back asleep.
• mike, our ceo, having us take the test first thing tuesday morning rather than waiting through his opening remarks.
• passing the test!!!!! one person did get sent home.
• a beautiful week in park city. 88 degree weather most of the time, a wonderful group of new friends to play with the rest of the week, safe and uneventful travels for all.
• meeting david in atlanta on my way back for our annual braves trip. brad, denise and the kids met us and we had a whirlwind time of pool, hot-tub, aquarium, mary mac's tearoom, ikea, braves, 2 buck chuck and laughs so loud the restaurant looked at us funny. apparantly i laugh the 'clubbing the baby seal' laugh when exposed to chlorine. it's happened twice now. very odd. i do enjoy channeling michelle, that one hurts the next morning, tho.
• home again and my bed! and my girls! and my flowers and my house!!!
• reconnecting with nicole, chandler and melinda for girls' night out.
• david and all his glory. he makes me laugh so much. however. . . . . (there always is a however isn't there?) it's now hunting season AND the braves are still playing. i'll see him at a funeral today - does that count as quality time?
• the support that carmen is and will be receiving during this horrible time.
• nicole and the support she has around her.
• michelle and dean's safe travels and way too much fun.
• michelle's reconnection with craig.
• michelle bryant
• kevin and cynthia and the baby!
• being able to meet eric and nicole in orlando in october.
• chandler becoming a citadel student - is that ca'dick' and since she's in her knob year, can we haze her? a girl at the citadel - and she said she wasn't a feminist. but a principal is ok.
• brantley boo and john wesley's birthdays
• tyler's birthday
• denise's birthday
• nicole finishing summer school. we'll have a nurse in no time!

sunday is carson's 3rd birthday and i've decided to join our church. chandler said, 'my presbyterian pagan best friend is joining the methodist church - i'll be there.'

my whole life i questioned my faith and my place and god or not. it was carson's passing that solidified my faith. not 'logical' thinking at all but a very emotional and faithful knowing that this is bigger than me. it was reassuring and comforting. and it was ok that i was angry and scared and crumbled. so i'm using sunday as an affirmation of my faith that yes, this presbyterian pagan best friend can join a methodist church and it all makes sense with god and me.