allowing myself to sit with my feelings

the last few days have held a heaviness here in the city of charleston that i can only describe as deep grief and honor. the air is thick and emotions are right on the surface. i watched the memorial service last night that i taped with tears streaming down my face as mayor joe, governor sanford, the home land security guy and finally chief rusty thomas of the city of charleston fire department spoke of these men and firemen in general. i heard stories all day yesterday of the firehouses from all over the country that came to take care of our firehouses and our firefighters. the batallion that went into the world trade center and came out were here to offer their support. firemen from japan, canada, california, washington state, new jersey, pennsylvania, and of course from the other southern states including a truck from new orleans came to pay their respects.
my friend keena dropped off a honey baked ham to her firehouse and those manning the station so that our firefighters could be at the service were from new york. an amazing community.
i drove by the sight of the fire last night and there were over a hundred people there placing flowers, t-shirts from other fire departments, crosses, cards. . . someone had placed 9 stuffed dalmation puppies with firehats on them. that got me, too.

today i am grateful.

• a community of men willing to show their emotions and their love for each other.
• for a quick chat with michelle yesterday.
• several good cries over the last week.
• the very beginning stages of creating a benefit for the firefighter's families that my company will sponsor and then match what we raise. this idea came from our nursing regional vice president and we will talk more about it on monday. that idea was a nice way to end my friday.
• adrienne feeling at home in my house and crashing here last night instead of the floor of her empty house she's working on. a short hour visit last night before we both crashed.
• david coming home from boys' weekend early to surprise me and that we have a good date planned tonight.
• my parents - in all their forms. chris is my mom and tom is my poppie. grateful that my parents chose partners that i feel good about claiming.
• errands for fun.
• edisto next saturday for a whole week!!!!!!!!!!!! it cannot get here soon enough.
• making the 100+ club again at work for the 2nd year and receiving the honor of a trip to park city. the training i get while i'm there and the awards banquet where i get presented with an award by a man i admire so much.
• the rumor of a diamond being placed on my watch they gave me last year.
• my own room in the resort!
• getting to stay an extra day on the company and explore park city a bit.
• nicole being proud of me. our teamwork and how our visions happen because we work to make them happen.
• my darling sweet husband and his humor when telling me that he has to work nights for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. i guess god wasn't willing and the creek surely rose. i guess i need this time for some self reflection.
• friends who love me anyway i show up.
• you

firefighters

• the procession this morning which shut down the city.
• firemen from all over the world coming today to take the shifts of our local firefighters so they can attend the memorial service.
• the flowers and crosses and cards lining the street in front of the store that burned.
• david's cousin, robbie being a proud, emotional, loving fireman who volunteers at the soup kitchen with his team on their days off.
• wesley's cousin, louis mulkey who willingly went into a burning building to make sure all the employees were out and safe. he will be remembered today during the service.

OFFSHORE FISHING!

• a last minute friday night trip to savannah to go offshore with dave and kim.
• the ride in the car with david that allowed us 3 hours (including a meltdown in wendy's, a lovely dinner instead at waffle house! and 20 minutes in line at subway for lunch on the boat the next day!) uninterupted to get to know each other again away from his working nights and the room project.
• watching the sun come up over the ocean while the waves were over 5 ft. it was a bright deep orange/red fire ball that popped up into a cloudy gray sky. absolutely amazing and had the waves been 2-3 ft, i would have missed it because i would have been down below snoring. now, back to the wave part - i had heard of being beaten up offshore - now i have my own story! it was quite an interesting 3.5 hour ride at 20mph in a boat running over 5+ ft waves that early in the morning on dramamine. needless to say we are all very very sore. i worked my muscles all day long and when we got off the boat last night at 6, i promptly fell on my face and let me just say it was not all because of the vanilla vodka soaked fruit we ate on the way back in!
• the baby porpoise we saw jumping waves to get back to his mama. she was beautiful and spotted and rode the waves off the front of the boat for as long as we watched and told her she was beautiful. when we got caught up catching fish, she went away. as with human women, she just needed a little attention. quite magical really.
• a good dinner at the marina with conversations we can only have with dave and kim. they are not right and neither is david so i guess that means i'm not either. i got to drive the golf cart back to their house with the boys as kim went to pick up the kids. too fun.
• our bed in the 'smoak boudior' (sp) that we fell into early and not waking up until 6am to potty. that is probably a first for me ever. david and i said we don't really remember anything, but i do kind of remember trying not to fall out of bed as i was still rocking like i was on the boat.
• an 8am wake up call of catherine and jada waking up and being able to spend a little time with them this morning before we headed back to charleston to be with big d at church this morning.
• a morning phone call with daddy. he was at the boat with chris and the boys. his expertise at what he loves and how he is so passionate and able to translate his knowledge of furniture into how to help me with the ceiling. his love of his boys, red and jack. he just laughs when he tells stories of what they've done - like how red fell out of the boat and how he giggled while he left me the message.
• a great sermon by mike, minister extraordinnare (again, sp) about dropping the sterotypical 'guy' role and being an example to friends and family about showing emotions.
• mike asking david and me to talk with him about. . .. . . . . the flag issue! holy shit, here we go. . . . the united methodist conference was last week in florence, sc and during the 4 day conference, several issues were discussed - everything from insurance for ministers to their new appointments and parsonages, to budgets. missions was the major part of the agenda as they voted on where to send the money they collected last week. the south carolina convention voted to send $60,000 (the amount they collected at the conference) to the net project which provides mosquito nets (at $10 a net) to families in countries where maleria is still a real issue. they decided to continue the work with water missions as there are still people in the world who have never had clean water to drink. they decided to keep working with fighting hiv and aids in africa and provide the drugs needed to keep people alive. they spent the majority of their time doing this. what the media covered and what crept up someone at our church's ass so much that he's decided he's not coming back is the freakin' flag issue. the church decided to bring to a vote whether to send a letter to south carolina state leaders demanding that they move the rebel flag from a place of prominance at the capitol to a museum. the votes were cast and the majority said they wanted the letter to be written. the interesting thing is that the state government won't allow this issue to be discussed again until 2012 or sometime crazy like that. it was a huge waste of time and waste of media coverage when so much good was done at the conference. mike wanted to know what we thought as david and i have differing views on the flag and what it means and where it should go. what we all came to in that discussion is 1. the whole thing is a waste of time and if this dude from the church is mad at mike he should step up and talk about it so that they can come to some sort of common ground as the 3 of us did today with it and 2. whether people know the 'true history' of the flag or not, it brings with it emotions of fear and injustice and pain that is our southern history and why hurt people? this issue is a point of division in my fine state that i am mostly embarrassed about and it's unfortunately not going anywhere. i will continue to hold my vision that we recognize that this is our history and as it is not our state or national flag, it should be held in a place of honor in a museum. and i really mean honor because the time that is represents should be held gently with respect.

ok, back to previously planned glogging. . . . .

• david smoak having emotions everyday and being willing to share them with whoever. whenever. about whatever. and not backing down on something he feels.
• big d and his willingness to show his emotions (and tell some pretty racy jokes at lunch!) and actually teared up when we gave him tervis tumbler cups with wofford college on them. he actually teared up and said, 'i love this school, man!' holy cow, i wonder what would happen if i gave him a sweatshirt?!
• mom and poppie arriving safely from boston and him taking care of her while she had food poisoning on the trip. he liked his father's day gift as well.
• a quick visit today with the dority's and how he tried to get sue and me drunk on cream rum so that he and david could get special father's day gifts later this evening. ms dority was pretty slurry so he might! we won't discuss david. . . you know you're old when your best friend's parents and your own say something or anything about sex in front of you. david told both his parents and the doritys that he might vomit and please not to say anything like that again. hil-freakin'-alarious!
• more veggies out of the garden when we finally made it home tonight. tons of tomatoes and cucumbers!
• freshly caught dolphin (mahi) and fresh veggies out of the garden. yum.
• my precious husband, the father of my sweet carson, the dog father of abbie, sandy and miss peabody, and the snake dad to 'snake and 'lil 'nake. his excitement of life and adventures. his unconditional love of me. his willingness to not fit the typical southern man role. his love of his friends and theirs of him. how lucky am i.
• you, my little baby porpoise you!

baby sarah arrived yesterday!

• yay! she weighed in at a little over 9 lbs and i'm so excited. someday we will meet and i can kiss her little cheeks.
• my dad asking again where my glog is. . . here you go, daddy.
• the room! and that all that's left is (mostly) my part! tonight i will seal the ceiling and tomorrow i paint.
• keena affirming the colors i picked out as perfect. that girl's got style!
• 2 girls' nights out this week.
• finding a new place with annie on wednesday and hearing all about her trip to spain. the beautiful tapas restaurant with cava and 4 buck martinis that paled in comparison to her joy about her trip and a vacation in general. my girl has worked 7 days a week for a year and a half. she actually got to read 3 books!
• the reopening of 'the daily dose' on james island. the same, if not better, hippie vibe it was downtown all those years ago, but now the owner's child is 11 and is helping out. awesome organic sangria and the supa dose - organic veggie sandwich - yum.
• my girls - chandler and melinda. i love to introduce them to people that i've known them for so so so so long.
• stories about elizabeth, john wesley and brantley - how i wish i could attend 'camp kornahrens' - way too much fun all summer. that elizabeth at 2 came in the house talking about 'boys and lipstick, daddy!' i would pay money to see joe dabit's face.
• running into the 'cutest boy ever' - scott dawson - last night at athens when we were having coffee and getting good hugs. hearing he's healing from his recent break-up and that he caught his 15 year old son smoking! ha. he gets to hang out with dad for the next month on friday and saturday nights. punishment. that's harsh. although, the girls and i agreed, that would only be harsh for him - we wouldn't hate it!
• it's a little past 7am and i'm up and feeling good. after a week of david working nights, i finally slept hard from 11:30 to 6 - didn't even have to get up to potty. this is exhaustion.
• david almost being finished working nights. monday and tuesday next week will be it (god willing and the creek don't rise. . .).
• a big fat flat screen tv for above the fireplace that sears had on sale! (really not that big and fat - only 32 inches. that's not obnoxious)
• the possibility of visiting michelle over the lavender festival weekend. i'm holding the vision.
• FRIDAY

now for the joys of my fellow gloggers

• michelle bryant and the girls celebrating michael's birthday by choosing the joy of his life. she is an inspiration on choice these days!
• kevin getting to see jake this week and what memories they had to just roll their eyes over.
• kevin readying himself to be a dad. happy sigh. . .
• craig - again, just being craig. i was bragging about him last night. the girls just can't get over the fact that he is ok with michelle being gone for so long. it's refreshing when our boys are calling wondering where we are and we haven't been gone for 2 hours yet.
• dean and his relationship with his family and with the planet.
• eric and baby SARAH!
• and michelle. the whale blows. the boat. the tent. her life. my conversations with her this week. she sounds so good.

stay tuned for more gratefulness this weekend as the room closes in on completion and father's day rolls around. that will be a grateful day.

• you, my little supa dose, you.

rain rain rain rain rain rain rain

• a quiet weekend of rain and self-reflection.
• david arriving home safely after a boys' weekend in savannah.
• fresh veggies from our garden in the form of squash and zucchini casserole and fried squash and zucchini. life is very very good today.
• knowing that when i locked myself out of my house yesterday that i had several places i could go. i chose well. a visit with benjamin and whitman and their parents that was quite pleasant.
• big d and shelbs saving the day with a key.
• fabulous rain. swelling wind and rain rain rain rain.
• abbie sleeping with me while david was gone. she's a great snuggler at 10.5lbs!
• watching miss peabody dance in the rain. she pounces like she's a cat and not a 70lb monster. and she's nothing but mud. very grateful that she likes to be the outside dog!
• dinner friday night with chandler. we haven't done that in years. pedicures and mondo's delight all by ourselves. lovely.
• her waking up on saturday morning out of her 'negasaurus' mode and calling to let me know about it!
• the movie 'over the hedge' - i could watch it over and over. it is hilarious. and sadly. . . true.
• my goofy dad and his phone skills. ya gotta give him props for some effort. poor chris.
• you, my fried zucchini, you.