carson glenn smoak

the sweetest baby boy who in death has taught me so much about life. . . my life.

today i am grateful for that which i cannot explain. and that's reassuring. i can only come close on this humanly plain to feel it, there's no way to put words to it.

carson united david and me by creating such a deep wound that we chose to go toward each other for salve. and in all the pain and heartache that is, we keep choosing each other. for that i am profoundly grateful.

he taught us so much about friendships and bonds, love and forgiveness, patience and wealth.
so on his 3rd birthday i am grateful for:

• waking up with david this morning and lying in silence before the day started.
• a chat with melinda as she and wesley headed to orlando with the boys. brave or something else? we shall see!!!
• so many lovely people coming up to me before church saying, ' we thought you were already a member!'
• having chandler, mom and poppie, karen, keller and nicole and donna come to be with us today.
• sunflowers in the church in honor of carson on his birthday. david's aunt jb does the flowers and she put wiggly eyes on 3 of the flowers. too cute and very jb!
• mike having david go upfront with me so i wouldn't be by myself and having him reaffirm his faith as well.
• mike's quiet interjections about the liberalness of the methodist church during the affirmation and the sermon.
• big d's amazing voice today as he sang the special music.
• van herrington knowing that the two trees in his yard his daddy planted are for him and for carson. he was born 2 weeks before carson and i know they would have been best friends. buster and lori for their warmth and love. he came to the hospital that night and i'll never forget the pain on his face. after that he planted 2 trees in his yard. one for van, one for carson.
• getting to the cemetary and finding evidence that others had been there before us. there was a little lamb, a teddy bear and a something else that was pink with a heart nose and made kissing noises when squeezed. we're guessing grandma beeds.
• fixing 'walter's' moustasche. he's attached to the tree and watches over the site. 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth. we gave him a moustache of spanish moss.
• david holding me in that cemetary.
• the flowers that are still fresh at bobby thompson's grave from thursday. grateful that carmen knows how much her husband was loved and respected even if he just couldn't do it anymore.
• a quiet afternoon of reflection and journaling while david went in the woods to be by himself.
• meeting back up tonight to celebrate chandler's birthday with her family at nakato's.
• another day all about me tomorrow. massage and pedicure on saturday, carson's bday today, facial and quiet tomorrow.
• beautiful flowers from craig and michelle that smell up the living room.
• meals and meals of king mackeral that david caught this weekend in the tournament with dave and limehouse. we put up 15 meals tonight in the freezer. yum.
• david having a good time friday and saturday on the boat playing with the fish. it's his 3rd year celebrating carson's birthday this way.
• dad's phone call letting me know he loves us and is thinking about us today.
• dad and chris' plan for a november visit.
• my life and what i've created here in this beautiful place with such amazing people i call family and friends.