fall is in the air

• the start of fall and a saturday at the farmers' market with a crispness in the air.
• seeing chandler and elizabeth and having crepes together
• the ease and effortlessness of asking for donations for the church auction and receiving what i've asked for
• plans tonight for the poetry jam at the moja arts festival
• a quick champagne toast to being the evening here at my house for maggie's 21st birthday! maggie's mom, karen is one of my mentors and heroes and maggie is an amazing woman. she also keeps my avon habit up.
• words, written and spoken
• a clean house - maidpure rocked it out and i am enjoying living in my home again
• the new room being a haven and the space it's created in the rest of the house
• michelle in all her michelle-ness
• big d and shelbs arriving safely home yesterday after 8000 miles around the country
• a big fall packed full of travel, friends and family
• orlando in a couple of weeks for craig's triathalon - team thompson!
• dad and chris visiting in november
• david being able to enjoy this fall day in the woods
• new focus on being grateful and not stressed!
• mr charlie, my next door neighbor laughing at abbie barking at him in HIS yard through the fence and saying, 'that's some dog' - she is - she's my 10.5lb guard dog who will bark behind her back running away from an aggressor.
• miss peabody and sandy minding their manners as my backyard neighbors are having their annual jewish fall festival in their backyard with lots of people.
• you, my little fall crisp, you.

open-ness

• the new room! which has created so much open-ness in the house and ultimately in our lives. david took the sliding glass doors off today and wow! my house is huge and open and we're getting through the clutter.
• finding maidpure.com to come clean next week (which gives me little time to declutter) using only organic cleaners and i am so freakin' excited. this will leave us open to actually invite people over!
• plans for the church spaghetti supper/auction starting to come together and our first meeting tomorrow night.
• a good long chat with mike, our minister today and laughing at him out loud until i snorted. he's simply not a sane man.
• lunch with greg turpin. my sweet dear friend who i let time put between us. until today! good plans with him. getting caught up on his life. potential plans for the 4 of us to do dinner here.
• memories of him in a much simpler and more naive time in my life. his support through the years and the ability to talk with someone who 'gets' me.
• another trip to lowes with david tonight!!!!!! :) can this company get any more of my hard earned money?!?!?! probably on saturday!
• a lovely dinner with good conversation and laughter - david loves to make fun of me and tonight it was fun. the moon must be aligned correctly with my axis!
• craig's grandmother, gigi, who was the spunkiest little lady i've probably ever met. i'm so grateful that he was able to have her this long and that she didn't suffer in the end.
• michelle's fierce protection of craig
• safe travels yesterday for my work trip.
• a big october full of hilton head, orlando, dinner parties and fun.
• collards, lettuce and purple cabbage planted in the garden by my sexy farmer husband.
• tgif! friday and all that brings! it's actually massage friday tomorrow at work.
• david just said, 'people are going to think i don't have a job.' he does and he works a lot. he just goes balls to the wall on his home projects.
• tivo and general hospital.
• miss peabody, abbie and sandy.
• you, my little collard green, you!

a gentle nudge

michelle emailed me that it was time to glog. i've been putting it off until i have some 'time.'
but isn't that when the gratefulness fairies really start working? - when you don't have the time or worse - don't feel all that grateful. . . so here goes. . ..

• the finished room!! the most amazing fireplace i've ever seen and my husband created it. it looks like we're sitting at the grove park inn on our honeymoon in front of their huge fireplaces - to scale mind you. our whole room could fit inside their fireplace.
• the teamwork that we used and continue to create in our marriage and in our projects.
• respectful disagreement. there will be no deer heads in this room.
• or ducks
• or the bobcat attacking the bird
• movement of the furniture throughout the rest of the house with ease. i'm sore today but it's a good sore!
• big d and shelbs on their month long 'across the country adventure' with our friends bruce and peggy.
• a lovely weekend away over labor day to harmon lodge and hendersonville. a short trip but one to see the nature center none-the-less.
• tons of upward mobility at work and all that will come together in the next few weeks.
• tailgating at the citadel game on saturday with uncle john, aunt tina and their crew.
• ricky archambault's attitude about cancer and cancer treatment.
• the week of carson's birthday, the anniversary of grandma's death and both of their funerals being over.
• the weather changing oh so slightly - less humidity.
• sun on my feet from saturday.
• general hospital and tivo for hooking that up for me!
• victor working to get the food for the spaghetti supper / auction donated for me this year.
• in advance - businesses being generous in their auction donations!
• an evening alone while david is in the woods.
• good news from michelle
• the orlando trip in advance for the 489 flute fun we will have!
• dad and chris' vacation being fun and relaxing for them.
• finding vance's myspace page as a link from michelle bryant's. crazy kids - i don't really understand the whole phenomenon but it was fun none-the-less to see his good lookin' mug.
• plans for kevin and cynthia.
• a good salad for dinner.
• david's cheeze-it encrusted crab cakes on saturday night - holy crap they were good! maybe even better as leftovers sunday morning with cheese grits.
• the sweet lady at moe's who makes the best tea in town and takes pride in cleaning the salsa bar and the tables and is always so freaking pleasant. may i be more like her.
• you, my little kick in the pants, you!

carson glenn smoak

the sweetest baby boy who in death has taught me so much about life. . . my life.

today i am grateful for that which i cannot explain. and that's reassuring. i can only come close on this humanly plain to feel it, there's no way to put words to it.

carson united david and me by creating such a deep wound that we chose to go toward each other for salve. and in all the pain and heartache that is, we keep choosing each other. for that i am profoundly grateful.

he taught us so much about friendships and bonds, love and forgiveness, patience and wealth.
so on his 3rd birthday i am grateful for:

• waking up with david this morning and lying in silence before the day started.
• a chat with melinda as she and wesley headed to orlando with the boys. brave or something else? we shall see!!!
• so many lovely people coming up to me before church saying, ' we thought you were already a member!'
• having chandler, mom and poppie, karen, keller and nicole and donna come to be with us today.
• sunflowers in the church in honor of carson on his birthday. david's aunt jb does the flowers and she put wiggly eyes on 3 of the flowers. too cute and very jb!
• mike having david go upfront with me so i wouldn't be by myself and having him reaffirm his faith as well.
• mike's quiet interjections about the liberalness of the methodist church during the affirmation and the sermon.
• big d's amazing voice today as he sang the special music.
• van herrington knowing that the two trees in his yard his daddy planted are for him and for carson. he was born 2 weeks before carson and i know they would have been best friends. buster and lori for their warmth and love. he came to the hospital that night and i'll never forget the pain on his face. after that he planted 2 trees in his yard. one for van, one for carson.
• getting to the cemetary and finding evidence that others had been there before us. there was a little lamb, a teddy bear and a something else that was pink with a heart nose and made kissing noises when squeezed. we're guessing grandma beeds.
• fixing 'walter's' moustasche. he's attached to the tree and watches over the site. 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth. we gave him a moustache of spanish moss.
• david holding me in that cemetary.
• the flowers that are still fresh at bobby thompson's grave from thursday. grateful that carmen knows how much her husband was loved and respected even if he just couldn't do it anymore.
• a quiet afternoon of reflection and journaling while david went in the woods to be by himself.
• meeting back up tonight to celebrate chandler's birthday with her family at nakato's.
• another day all about me tomorrow. massage and pedicure on saturday, carson's bday today, facial and quiet tomorrow.
• beautiful flowers from craig and michelle that smell up the living room.
• meals and meals of king mackeral that david caught this weekend in the tournament with dave and limehouse. we put up 15 meals tonight in the freezer. yum.
• david having a good time friday and saturday on the boat playing with the fish. it's his 3rd year celebrating carson's birthday this way.
• dad's phone call letting me know he loves us and is thinking about us today.
• dad and chris' plan for a november visit.
• my life and what i've created here in this beautiful place with such amazing people i call family and friends.

all of it. . .

the last few weeks have been a whirlwind full of travel and friends and fun and sadness and joy all rolled together. i'll start with park city and 'the test' -

today i am grateful for

• a spontaneous dinner the first night in park city where the trainers started quizzing us about what and HOW we knew the information. it sparked a 2 hour study session with people i just met and had they been around, i may have finished college. it was so good! all night long i woke up and would spout off things in my head and fall back asleep.
• mike, our ceo, having us take the test first thing tuesday morning rather than waiting through his opening remarks.
• passing the test!!!!! one person did get sent home.
• a beautiful week in park city. 88 degree weather most of the time, a wonderful group of new friends to play with the rest of the week, safe and uneventful travels for all.
• meeting david in atlanta on my way back for our annual braves trip. brad, denise and the kids met us and we had a whirlwind time of pool, hot-tub, aquarium, mary mac's tearoom, ikea, braves, 2 buck chuck and laughs so loud the restaurant looked at us funny. apparantly i laugh the 'clubbing the baby seal' laugh when exposed to chlorine. it's happened twice now. very odd. i do enjoy channeling michelle, that one hurts the next morning, tho.
• home again and my bed! and my girls! and my flowers and my house!!!
• reconnecting with nicole, chandler and melinda for girls' night out.
• david and all his glory. he makes me laugh so much. however. . . . . (there always is a however isn't there?) it's now hunting season AND the braves are still playing. i'll see him at a funeral today - does that count as quality time?
• the support that carmen is and will be receiving during this horrible time.
• nicole and the support she has around her.
• michelle and dean's safe travels and way too much fun.
• michelle's reconnection with craig.
• michelle bryant
• kevin and cynthia and the baby!
• being able to meet eric and nicole in orlando in october.
• chandler becoming a citadel student - is that ca'dick' and since she's in her knob year, can we haze her? a girl at the citadel - and she said she wasn't a feminist. but a principal is ok.
• brantley boo and john wesley's birthdays
• tyler's birthday
• denise's birthday
• nicole finishing summer school. we'll have a nurse in no time!

sunday is carson's 3rd birthday and i've decided to join our church. chandler said, 'my presbyterian pagan best friend is joining the methodist church - i'll be there.'

my whole life i questioned my faith and my place and god or not. it was carson's passing that solidified my faith. not 'logical' thinking at all but a very emotional and faithful knowing that this is bigger than me. it was reassuring and comforting. and it was ok that i was angry and scared and crumbled. so i'm using sunday as an affirmation of my faith that yes, this presbyterian pagan best friend can join a methodist church and it all makes sense with god and me.

the day to day. . .

• safe and uneventful travels. actually, i did fall in the airport and did see our esteemed state treasurer fresh from cocaine rehab in arizona so it was eventful! but no plane problems which i like!
• a good smoothie in the cincinatti airport!
• the annual meeting in a beautiful resort in deer valley. my room had a fireplace and a jacuzzi tub and the bed. . . . .. sigh. . . . . let's just say that i made the most of my sleep. it was lovely.
• a great meeting full of good training, lots of laughter, thanks from my ceo. . . and a diamond added to my watch!
• good phone calls with david while i was there. he called on saturday night because abbie missed me.
• a saturday afternoon by the pool with nicole, victor, tammy, tasha and georgie. victor made rum and cokes all day so we started yelling (ok, tasha started yelling) 'free cuba' and declared we would get kicked out of the restaurant that night. we did come close. between yelling 'free cuba' and quoting ricky bobbie, a good time was had by all.
• vanilla congac (sp)
• no bugs in utah!
• humidity back in charleston. wow. i didn't know humidity did my body so so good.
• a sweet homecoming and home-cooked meal with david last night.
• sleeping in my own bed.
• chats with michelle, chandler, mom, david, and dad while i was away.
• being in the 100+ club and all the hard work that celebrates.
• plans with nicole and tammy to roll out our training to the rest of the office in the next couple of weeks.
• planning my trip back to corporate next week and being able to spend time with some people i really like and respect.
• another fancy hotel room!
• the fireplace done and the electric run to our room so that we can sheetrock and rock that last wall and the floor!!!!! yay!
• a costco trip tonight and passing up the leather couch that was on sale. we didn't impulse buy and that's big for the smoaks!
• lunch with mom and poppie today.
• elizabeth peepee'd in the potty today and got an elmo book for a reward.
• a long talk with cindy last week. completely unplanned and completely lovely. tyler will be 2 in a couple of weeks. holy cow.
• craig's triathalon and how he rocked it! can you say, 'super-veggie-athlete'!
• michelle bryant's visit with michelle jones thompson in washington!
• michelle's visit with her girls to hawaii. amazing pictures.
• david's total commitment to the atlanta braves. in good times and in bad, he has supported, loved, fought with and celebrated this baseball team. for 30 years he's been a fan in the true sense of the word and i think that says so much about him and his willingness to be in commitment. the same thing for his passion for hunting and quite frankly, for our little family. i am in constant wonder and awe that he loves me with the commitment, tenderness, fun, passion that he shows me everyday. that sounds goofy, but i know what i'm feeling. i can't quite get the words out.
• david's giggle.
• the way he shows up at my office and hugs all the ladies and spends time with each one of them. his knicknames for them all. too cute.
• all of david's knicknames that people have for him - smoak, smoakie, dayday, smoat, white chocolate, the professor, mom calls him her SIL - son-in-law, his mom calls him a smartass! his sister calls him a jackass. i sometimes call him an ass, but mostly it's pet names . . .
• david filling up the hummingbird feeder when he saw one buzzing around.
• miss peabody, sandie and abbie.
• my routine.
• you, my little ski lift, you.

a week 'pon top edisto!

• edi-slow time.
• the long walk david and i took last saturday night on the beach at midnight by a fullmoon looking for mama turtles making their way to check on the babies. we didn't see any, but it was awesome anyway. the water was like glass.
• a rainy sunday that forced us to nap under the tin roof!
• a quick workweek of monday and tuesday and getting mama b's carpet pulled up so that david can put in her hardwood floors this weekend.
• the 4th of july at edisto with big d and shelbs, little b, whitty-whit and ben and susan. we had a great time in the water and little b and i even snuck in a 2 hour nap in the hammock. he's a good snuggler!
• david's homemade cheeseburgers!
• watching the fireworks that were miles away on kiawah. happy that the turtles on edisto were safe as no noise scared them.
• LAZY thursday of lunch at the sea cow and an afternoon on the beach. sigh.
• LAZY friday of a quick trip to fish or cut bait gallery and the kayak place and then an afternoon on the beach. . . sigh.
• dinner with susan on friday night - we snuck away to drink BEER while the grandparents watched the bad boys. awesome crab dip and dinner and good conversation.
• saturday at brickhouse. after i thought the week was ending, a visit to the jenkins compound and the historic float down the riva'. 150 floats of all shapes, sizes, colors, and animals! float out with the tide and back in with the tide. all the while sipping on my new favorite summer beverage, lemoncello, and eating boiled p-nuts. way too much fun! poppy fell out of his float and i almost spit out my drink! the thought of my mom on the turbanado princess chair float poppy picked out for her as she floated to other 'pods' to see what good food they had.
• annie and ada renee (like bridget renee) tied up to us - too much fun!
• knowing which float to get next year for poppy so he can drink his beer and sit up at the same time.
• my catcher's mit float. awesome.
• dolphins, egrets, baby birds in the tree off our porch at the beach.
• whitman's hugs goodmorning , goodnight, and everytime we met on the beach.
• fullmoons over the ocean.
• the golf cart 4th of july parade.
• the edisto piggly wiggly.
• banana sandwiches for breakfast, tomato sandwiches for lunch.
• king's market and all their goodies.
• tomato pie.
• the coast guard helicopters waving to us on the beach.
• the kiteboarders rockin' it over the waves.
• shagging on the beach without music.
• a week 'pon top edisto.

and back in charleston time.. . .

• work not calling me on vacation!
• david getting mama b's floor in with little effort and with help from alex and boxx. hearing that the 2 big boys and the 13 year old (alex) got in their fill of boy time with the stories david told me last night. burping, farting, giving alex a hard time. . . glad i wasn't there! knowing there will be more stories tonight.
• dad calling last night - back from canada and enjoying his crocs.
• my lazy day today getting mentally prepared to work tomorrow. . . sigh.
• dinner last night from the fishnet - fried flounder sandwich for $3.99. am i addicted if i want to drive back today and get another?
• a braves plan for august 4th!
• 2 trips to park city this month.
• reconnecting today with the people in my life.
• clean laundry.
• david working hard to provide cash for our room.
• picking out STONE for the fireplace, mantle, hearth and floor! at fieldstone and burney being there to help! a nice surprise.
• you, my little loggerhead turtle, you!